Angrboda Management Issues ([info]acadine) wrote,
2003-08-08 15:49:00
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Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Harry Potter Fanfic

Fic I should be writing? What fic I should be writing? Colo company callbacks? What're those? Huh?

Snape-FQF? Iconography? Ginny/Millie? Tom/Minerva? Snakes/Tom? I know not these things you speak of, Kemosabe.



  1. You can make any two people have sex, if they both play Quidditch, unless they're Crabbe and/or Goyle. *hides half-started James/Wilkes Quidditch sex fic*

  2. But even they have their fics.

  3. Quidditch position can indicate sexual preferences. Chasers (Marcus Flint, Ginny, James) are whores, because they are always trying to "score". Keepers (Oliver, Ron) are either tops (because of the control of the scoring area) or super-bottomy bottoms (because they are always getting scored on). Beaters might just as well be called "Twincests". Seekers play the field, are super-slutacular, and have the most "skillful technique" (Harry, Draco, Cho, Ginny).

  4. Snape is hot.

  5. Advanced sexual technique is a sure sign of current, former, or pending Death Eater allegiance. NICE GRYFFINDORS DON'T DO THAT!

  6. Sexual inexperience is a sign of purity. If Draco's fumbling and incompetant, it means he's a good guy.

  7. "Hate" means "love".

  8. Except when it means "incredibly hot sex".

  9. But of course, "incredibly hot sex" usually means "love", anyway, so we're right back to the beginning.

  10. Lucius Malfoy actually invented sex. Little known fact.

  11. Even inanimate objects can get laid.

  12. "Siblings" or "related" just means "doing it".

  13. Dumbledore grew the beard for sexual purposes.

  14. Snape is hot.

  15. Tom Riddle wasn't seeking immortality, he was seeking booty. Little known fact.

  16. The "Death" in "Death-Eaters" stands for "Cock".

  17. The inverse likelihood of a pairings happening in canon, times its "hotness factor" in fanon (see #4) equals its popularity in fandom. This is why I maintain Harry/Remus may well actually happen, and Harry/Neville has in fact already happened. You all just didn't notice it. Actually, Harry didn't notice it.

  18. Harry doesn't notice a lot of things, like the fact that he's a mack. It's a teenager thing. You know sleepwalking? Sleepsex, people.

  19. Someone, probably not even someone on my friends' list, will cite the above point and reply with "ooooh, plot bunny!"

  20. It's okay to completely write off a female character's canonical heterosexual relationship to write slash with the male character, or turn it cruel and abusive, or have male characters slag on her in extremely out of character ways, as long as you give her femmeslash.

  21. There is no such thing as a platonic friendship.

  22. There is no such thing as a confirmed heterosexual.

  23. There is no such thing as genuine dislike or antipathy, only repressed sexual tension.

  24. There is no such thing as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, unless it's a plot point.

  25. There is no such thing as an ugly character, unless it's a plot point.

  26. There is no such thing as an unintented pregnancy, unless it's a plot point.

  27. Even Umbridge gets laid.

  28. Hooray for threesomes!

  29. Snape was not the Death-Eaters' potions wonk. He was their dungeon master and head sexual interrogator. Little known fact.

  30. Hermione is hot.

  31. And when she's with Snape? Entire female populations have been known to spontaneously ovulate from the hotness. Apparently, the grease from Snape's hair cancels out Hermione's bushiness. Snape/Hermione is not about intellectualism, it is about symbiotic hair-care co-dependency.

  32. The real reason people write obscure character fics is because it's easier to justify the sex.

  33. Not that sex needs justification, ever.

  34. But if it did, "we had a conversation for two sentences in GoF" or "we were mentioned in the same paragraph in PS" counts.

  35. At the end of book seven, what Voldemort and Harry will really do is have a lightsaber duel. With their cocks.

  36. "Weasley" is Middle High German for "red-headed incestuous sex gods".

  37. You can always get a Weasley laid, just don't get hir married. Unless it's for the purpose of Fred/George Angelina-based angst.

  38. Squidy gets play.

  39. The way to a man's heart is through his ass.

  40. Werewolf blood is a powerful aphrodesiac.

  41. So are all forms of alcohol, ever.

  42. So is anything Neville Longbottom screwed up in potions class.

  43. So is Snape's breath.</i>

  44. So is air.

  45. Yes, Virginia, wizards have sex toys.

  46. Harry/Draco/Ginny will kill the fandom. Now I just have to write the rest of it.

  47. Snape is still hot.



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[info]femmequixotic

August 8 2003, 20:27:21 UTC 8 years ago

Harry doesn't notice a lot of things, like the fact that he's a mack. It's a teenager thing. You know sleepwalking? Sleepsex, people.

Oooh...plot bunny!

*grin*

Okay..somebody had to do it. *snicker*

*ponders* Seriously, though...hmm. *stares at growing list of WIPs* Oh, damn it. *beats plot bunny down*glares at it pokes its fluffy little head back up and rubs up against my leg*

I love this list...especially #15. Tom Riddle wasn't seeking immortality, he was seeking booty. Little known fact.

*chortle*

Oh, yeah. Way to go, Tom.

[info]acadine

August 8 2003, 20:30:58 UTC 8 years ago

The scary thing is, I think it's been written. Snarry, if I'm not mistaken. Or maybe that's just the drugs talking.

[info]femmequixotic

8 years ago

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[info]vileseagulls

8 years ago

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[info]potion_devotion

8 years ago

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[info]vileseagulls

8 years ago

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[info]viola_dreamwalk

August 8 2003, 20:48:23 UTC 8 years ago

It's okay to completely write off a female character's canonical heterosexual relationship to write slash with the male character, or turn it cruel and abusive, or have male characters slag on her in extremely out of character ways, as long as you give her femmeslash.

Bwah! And, hee!

Tom Riddle wasn't seeking immortality, he was seeking booty. Little known fact.

Well, duh. Everyone knows that evil is all about the sexy and the kinky. ^_-

[info]toujours_impur

August 8 2003, 21:04:44 UTC 8 years ago

Before I crack up, I would like to say sullenly that it's unfair that some people in the fandom have alllll the brains.

[info]tocomfortyou

August 8 2003, 21:35:35 UTC 8 years ago

Jesus Christ, that is really fucking funny.
Even Umbridge gets laid.
BLIND.

Squidy gets play.
Squidwarts = OTP

At the end of book seven, what Voldemort and Harry will really do is have a lightsaber duel. With their cocks.
Shhh. You're spoiling JKR's secrets. And what color are their lightsabers?

In other news, I have to go show this to all my friends. BAHA.

[info]missizzy

May 2 2005, 13:57:03 UTC 7 years ago

You're spoiling JKR's secrets. And what color are their lightsabers?

Suddenly Samuel L. Jackson's request for a purple lightsaber takes on a whole new meaning.

[info]dragonelle_fics

August 8 2003, 21:38:32 UTC 8 years ago

Lucius Malfoy actually invented sex. Little known fact.

Suddenly, everything is clear.

Great list!

[info]fair_light

August 8 2003, 22:27:39 UTC 8 years ago

They noticed!

[info]tiferet

8 years ago

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[info]acadine

8 years ago

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[info]tiferet

8 years ago

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[info]amanuensis1

8 years ago

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[info]tiferet

8 years ago

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[info]psychobarfly

August 8 2003, 23:20:05 UTC 8 years ago

:))))))))!!

[info]rivetcat

August 9 2003, 02:38:58 UTC 8 years ago

*giggling still*
my favorite bits are all the little-known facts.
especially #39.

mmmmm.

[info]verstehen

August 9 2003, 03:08:24 UTC 8 years ago

*dies*

You forgot that if Lucius Malfoy invented sex, Snape invented S&M.

[info]mietteling

August 15 2003, 10:50:44 UTC 8 years ago

AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

(Okay, obvious, but the sleep... depraved *g* parties are amused.)

[info]ex_mommybir

8 years ago

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[info]ariadne_au

7 years ago

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[info]musesfool

August 9 2003, 03:49:01 UTC 8 years ago

Lucius Malfoy actually invented sex. Little known fact

*chokes*

Hermione is hot.

And when she's with Snape? Entire female populations have been known to spontaneously ovulate from the hotness. Apparently, the grease from Snape's hair cancels out Hermione's bushiness. Snape/Hermione is not about intellectualism, it is about symbiotic hair-care co-dependency.

*dies*

[info]acadine

August 9 2003, 04:42:05 UTC 8 years ago

I Dream of Genie! Aaaah!

You have no idea how happy your icon has made me.

[info]phenomous

August 9 2003, 03:55:23 UTC 8 years ago

#11 Even inanimate objects can get laid.

Ya-harr, further confirmation for the Draco/Hermione/Frying Pan fanbase ^_^

As if we needed affirmation ^^;

[info]frombrenna

August 9 2003, 06:11:15 UTC 8 years ago

"Weasley" is Middle High German for "red-headed incestuous sex gods".

Haha, so true. It's gotten to the point where I'll read a weasley/weasley fic and not realize til halfway through or afterwards that it's incest, haha.

Mind if I Friend you? I promise to be a watchful entity, erm, I mean, good cool non-pyscho person?

[info]acadine

August 9 2003, 06:19:19 UTC 8 years ago

Go right ahead. ;)

Watch my entities, baby.

[info]frombrenna

8 years ago

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[info]xandria

August 9 2003, 06:31:28 UTC 8 years ago

Yes, Virginia, wizards have sex toys.

Mmmnnn... thinks of my magical cock ring... *grin* 'cause every wizard needs a magical cock ring.

LOL

Great list btw.

[info]dramaturgy

August 9 2003, 06:34:31 UTC 8 years ago

So true. Especially #36 and #40.

Mind if I friend you? ::puppy dog eyes::

[info]casira

August 9 2003, 11:40:35 UTC 8 years ago

This is entirely too funny. The Hermione/Snape entry may be my favorite... *laughs*

[info]altricial

August 9 2003, 14:51:40 UTC 8 years ago

Man, you just simplified 2 years of my life into 47 points. :))

[info]jiggery_pokery

August 9 2003, 16:50:54 UTC 8 years ago

Dunno if you do novel-length chaptered fics, but The Rebirth (and first sequel Galatea) represents 10^~5 words of, well... one of the above. To say which one would be a spoiler, though you'll work it out soon enough. I will tell you it's not 10^5 words of #38. Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing, man.

Would it be too sinful to try to apply the leassons from #3 to the Quidditch at Nimbus - 2003? What would this make me as organiser and MC, other than brothel-madame?

[info]sundancekid

August 9 2003, 20:14:43 UTC 8 years ago

*adds to memories*

Dude, brilliance.

There is no such thing as genuine dislike or antipathy, only repressed sexual tension.
*grins*

[info]noshootingstars

August 10 2003, 02:46:52 UTC 8 years ago

Aha! I am so justified by #15.

22 is true for every fandom on God's green earth. I'm sure someone has written Touched By an Angel slash.

[info]amanuensis1

August 11 2003, 13:57:25 UTC 8 years ago

AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Sexual inexperience is a sign of purity. If Draco's fumbling and incompetant, it means he's a good guy.

Lucius Malfoy actually invented sex. Little known fact.

The "Death" in "Death-Eaters" stands for "Cock".
This last one is particularly like my sheepish realization that House Slytherin, in my fics, might just as well be named House Non-Consensual Buggery.

*kisses you*

*And glomps you!*

[info]acadine

August 12 2003, 05:10:56 UTC 8 years ago

This last one is particularly like my sheepish realization that House Slytherin, in my fics, might just as well be named House Non-Consensual Buggery.

House Oral Sex For All
House Over-engineered Magical Sex-Toys and Bondage
House Touching Adolescent Handjobs

^___^

*is smooched* w00t.

[info]here_be_dragons

8 years ago

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[info]amanuensis1

8 years ago

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[info]isiscolo

August 12 2003, 04:04:15 UTC 8 years ago

Marry me and have my squidly babies. Everything is clear to me now.

[info]acadine

August 12 2003, 05:06:17 UTC 8 years ago

Of course!

But only if you marry me and have my zombie love monkeys.

[info]bridgetmc

August 13 2003, 01:35:01 UTC 8 years ago

lmao, I love these! Especially:

At the end of book seven, what Voldemort and Harry will really do is have a lightsaber duel. With their cocks.

The way to a man's heart is through his ass.

Oh, and let's not forget that Snape is hot. *nods sagely*

[info]infinitegraces

August 13 2003, 02:04:41 UTC 8 years ago

Am agreeing with #21.

There is no such thing as a platonic friendship.
So true *grin*

Nicole

[info]slightlights

August 13 2003, 05:04:58 UTC 8 years ago

Apparently, the grease from Snape's hair cancels out Hermione's bushiness. Snape/Hermione is not about intellectualism, it is about symbiotic hair-care co-dependency.

Oh, I like that. The whole thing, admittedly. But the hair, the hair!

(Finally had a minute for LJ, and wandered over here on [info]heinous_bitca's rec; she has great timing.)

[info]heinous_bitca

August 13 2003, 18:11:49 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you, thank you. ;)

[info]sincelastjuly

August 13 2003, 05:23:34 UTC 8 years ago

Harry doesn't notice a lot of things, like the fact that he's a mack. It's a teenager thing. You know sleepwalking? Sleepsex, people.
Someone, probably not even someone on my friends' list, will cite the above point and reply with "ooooh, plot bunny!"

Even Umbridge gets laid.

Damn you. -.-

[info]dancingrain

August 13 2003, 06:21:03 UTC 8 years ago

:D fantastic!!
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